69歳になっても未だ分からないことだらけ

淡路島出身で今は東京中野区に住む私の友人がいる。先日ほぼ6年ぶりに電話をしてみた。私の声を聞くなり、「赤松さん、あれから私すごい体験をしたんです」と言う。何だって、と聞いてみると、今から5年前、彼が50歳の時に初めての子どもを授かったというのだ。奥さんは当時45歳。それだけではない。生まれ故郷の淡路島にいた彼の母親が、その1年前、つまり、6年前にすい臓がんを患い、死を覚悟した闘病を余儀なくされていた。看病のために東京から駆けつける彼の妻に対して、その母親は、「思い残すことはお前たちに、子どもがいない(彼は一人息子だから孫がいない)ことだ。私は死んだら、お前たちの子どもとして生まれ変わりたい」ーそう何度も口にしたという。死後まもなく彼女は妊娠して、母親の死後一年ほどが経って、かわいい女の子が誕生した。そしてその性格たるや死んだ母親にそっくりという。彼は間違いなく母親の生まれ変わりを実感している、と▼「永遠の生命」を口にしている私だが、このような体験談を稀にせよ聞くと,改めて確信せざるをえない。心底から感動した。あの6年前に彼と中野のとあるカラオケ喫茶で歌い飲んだ時に、そういえば、子どもの授かり方を私が先輩からの話や体験を通じて話したものだ。それを彼は忘れてしまい、話した当の私もその後彼のすごい体験を聞く機会を失っていたとは、悔やまれる。そういう不可思議な感動をした直後に、篠田桃紅『一〇三歳になって分かったこと』を読んだ。「『いつ死んでもいい』なんて嘘。生きているかぎり、人間は未完成」という言葉にしびれてしまって。69歳になっても分からないことだらけの私としては、タイトルにも惹かれた。かねて私は、音楽や美術など芸術に打ち込むひとの生き方に強い関心を持っている。我を忘れる時間を長く持つのが共通しているかのように思われる。別に芸術でなくても良いようなものだが、終わりがなさそうなだけに、そう思う度合いは強い。篠田さんは、そのあたりについて「人というものが、どういうものであるか、わからないから、文学、芸術、哲学、さまざまな活動をして、人は模索しているのです。なんでこんなことをやるのだろう、ということを一生懸命やっているのです」「なにかに夢中になっているときは、ほかのことを忘れられますし、言い換えれば、一つなにか自分が夢中になれるものを持つと、生きていて、人は救われるのだろう」と述べている。夢中になって、時間を感じない時に、人間はよく生きてるなんて。これほどの逆説があろうか▼人はどうしたら幸福になれるか、のくだりも興味深い。今日までの100年余の人生を通じてのあれこれを述べ、「黄金の法則」はないのでしょうか、と自問したあと、「自分の心が決める以外に、方法はないと思います。この程度で私はちょうどいい、と自分の心が思えることが一番いいと思います」と、結局は平凡な答えなのだが、この人が言うとぐんと重さを感じる。また、死の恐怖について、若い友人から「どうしたら怖くなくなるか」と問われて「考えることをやめれば、怖くない」と助言したとある。さらに、その項の最後に「人は老いて、日常が『無』の境地にも至り、やがて、ほんとうの『無』を迎える。それが死である、そう感じるようになりました」とも▼ここらあたりは、69歳のしかも永遠の生命を信じ(たい、というほうが正確かもしれない)ている私などは異論が鎌首をもたげてくる。「無」の境地とは、何だろうか、と。それは「空」とどう違うのか。「無」は一切を生み出さない表現だが、「空」は無限の可能性を秘めた状態をさすものだと思う。目には見えないからといって「無」と言えるか。人の人生も、「死」とは、何もない「無」ではなく、次に繋がる「空」かもしれないのでは、と。こう考えると、怖いというよりも次の生が楽しいものになってくるはず。冒頭に紹介した友人のおふくろさんなど、差し詰め病床でしきりに息子の子になることを夢見ていたのではないかだろうか。この夢想は、思わず微笑みがわき出でてくるのだが、さてどうだろうか。(2015・7・10)

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